Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
