I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
