I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
