my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
