"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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