Will you blow on my dice?
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
