Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i drank out of a bidet.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize