Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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