when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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