Jerry, you need to find god
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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