we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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