so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
