My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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