you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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