Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
