i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
