If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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