twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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