After last night, I could never be a politician.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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