haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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