I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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