one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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