I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
should my penis look like a turkey
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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