Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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