I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
