Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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