I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
