If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
