So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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