My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
