I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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