just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
