No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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