the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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