Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
