can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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