the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
