"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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