My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
