haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
