before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
