turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
