The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
