I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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