Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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