Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
