why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
