You smell like stripper and shame
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize