Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
