Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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