I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
