Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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