JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
