I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
