why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize