It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
